I Can't Bother
by candledot
Summary: Hermione's bad summer...Abusive parents, and she can't cope! A lifesaving apell is cast, and only Snape can save her. Dark!Hermione . Dark themes Angst Anger and Heroism unrecognized. Warning: Cutting, suicidal themes. Darkness Ahead!
1. Bother

Hi Everyone!  
  
This disclaimer is going to have to do for the entire fic..  
  
I do not own anything from the Harry Potter books. JKR does, bless her beloved soul..although I wish she would get her beloved ass in gear and write book five!!!  
  
I do NOT own bother... StoneSour does, and I highly recommend their CD to everyone.  
  
Enjoy and review..  
  
A warning - this story will be triggering to any cutters or children of divorce. However, know that you have a kindred spirit out there in FanFic land 


	2. Kindred

BOTHER  
  
Wish I was too dead to cry  
  
My self-affliction fades  
  
Stones to throw at my creator  
  
Masochists to which I cater  
  
You don't need to bother;  
  
I don't need to be  
  
I'll keep slipping farther  
  
But once I hold on,  
  
I won't let go 'til it bleeds  
  
"Well Hermione Granger, I hope that you are happy! Because of your insistence about going to that bloody 'Magic School', all I can say is that if your mother and I divorce, it will be no one's fault but yours!"  
  
With that the door slammed and her father left only the residue of wrath in his wake, leaving Hermione dissolved in a flood of tears on her bed. All she wanted was for her family to be happy and to be allowed to live the life she was meant to.  
  
Up until last year, her parents had appeared reserved but outwardly supportive of her choices in school. She had just recently been informed that they had felt she would "grow out of this silly phase" and pursue a school that would lead to a career as a Muggle doctor. Though medicine appealed to her, she knew that going back to the impossibly slow and brutal methods that they were resorted to using in the non-wizarding world would only make her miserable. She would choose to live her own future, and her parents. well, she was sure that they would choose their own anyhow. She had been ignored by them all summer, except for choice moments like this when her father or mother had decided to "convince" her of her maligned decisions in life.  
  
Tears coursing down her face, she felt her chest tighten and the breath catch in her throat. She couldn't breath, she couldn't think, and her whole body was in agony and seizing up.. She rolled over and reached into her nightstand drawer. Way in the back, hidden behind the largest tomes she could find, was her relief. It was cool in her hand, and she could feel the tension across her back start to release. Bringing the blade up to her forearm, she disassociated as her father's words rung in her ears, and memories of the last miserable two summers flooded to the forefront of her mind. The arguments downstairs, the breaking glass, her mother's tears and fathers outrage, and the knowledge that it was all, indeed, her fault..  
  
The blade bit into her skin deeper than usual, and the relief at seeing the deep crimson flow start down her arm was instantaneous. She could feel the course of relaxation within her, and the exhaustion at the sleep she had been missing the last month and a half was beginning to take over. She ran the blade down her arm twice more, the opening chords of a song she had heard on the radio that morning strumming through her head at 100 decibels. Taking the towel under her pillow and folding it under her arm, she fell into a restless sleep watching the blood flow freely down the curve of her forearm into the waiting towel, reassured in the knowledge that she could now deal with what her parents dealt her. 


	3. Flaw

Flaws  
  
Wish I was too dead to care  
  
If indeed I cared at all  
  
Never had a voice to protest  
  
So you fed me shit to digest  
  
I wish I had a reason;  
  
my flaws are open season  
  
For this, I gave up trying  
  
One good turn deserves my dying  
  
  
  
The scene at the train station had not been a good one, and many of Hermione's classmates had witnessed it in its entirety. Her father had once again blown up at her, threatening her with disownment and giving her an ultimatum.. If she went through the barrier and got on the train, she was no longer a Granger. Her mother had done nothing more than weep: at the last minute she had pleaded with Hermione to respect her fathers wishes and 'act logically', but Hermione was too overwhelmed and frightened of both of them to get back into their station wagon and go back home with her parents.  
  
She honestly felt that if she went back with them, she would have a good reason to be terrified. She muttered a tearful apology, thanked them for taking care of her all those years, and walked through the barrier without another word. As she passed onto Platform 9 ¾ she could hear her father swearing and pounding on the other side at the top of his lungs calling her every name in the book. She was receiving many embarrassed looks from the various families gathered on the platform, and kept her head down as she hurried to the train with her trunk. All she wanted was to find a quiet compartment and try to forget this scene and many others which had occurred that summer.. There had been so much violence..so much anger and rage.  
  
As she swung her trunk up into the train carriage, Draco Malfoy swaggered by and shot her a condescending look. "Boy Granger, he knew more derogatory terms for you than I do. I really learned some new things today. I take it all is not well in your perfect Mudblood paradise? Too bad, so sad. Don't expect any sympathy from me; maybe you'll learn your lesson and realize that only pure-blooded wizards are worth anything, and that you deserved all he said and more. Maybe your little Weasel friends' family will take you in. then they could have the full baker's dozen!"  
  
Laughing maliciously as Hermione's shaking overtook her; he climbed up into the next carriage without a look back. Had he bothered, he would have seen the girl bring her hands up to her face and sink to the ground as her knees betrayed her, a swarm of ginger-haired wizards rushing over to carry her into the train.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
"'Mione, 'Mione! What happened. talk to me 'Mione. are you alright? What's the matter? Are you sick?"  
  
"For Merlin's sake Ron; she's not dying! Now, will you leave her be so that I can speak with her? The train is already delayed by 15 minutes; we don't need you holding up the show! Now scoot out of here. take a few sickles and get yourself a treat from the trolley, alright?"  
  
The compartment door slid shut as Hermione allowed herself to slide back into reality. Momentarily disoriented, she couldn't understand how she got to be at the Weasley's house. As she opened her eyes, she realized that she was in the Hogwarts Express, and Mrs Weasley was standing over her with a glass of water looking perturbed.  
  
"Oh child, you're awake! Are you alright? Here's some water."  
  
Hermione took the glass gratefully and drank back a long slow sip. She was then handed a fizzing glass, which the older witch motioned she was to drink. It tasted dreadful but she didn't wish to have the wrath of yet another person on her head today, so she downed the whole thing. She was instantly glad she did, as her body felt invigorated and the haze in her mind cleared.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"I overheard what went on with your parents dear. It's not the first time I've seen it happen, unfortunately but that doesn't make it any less unacceptable or traumatizing. I was behind the barrier; the children had already gone ahead so they didn't here what happened. I won't mention a word of it if you don't want me too."  
  
"I'd appreciate that. I need time to digest what's happened and decide what to do now. I'm a bit knackered really, but I'm feeling much better now. It's just so much pressure. I was just shocked by everything. I guess I never thought he'd actually do it and it's overwhelming." Tears threatened her, but the brown eyes were not permitted to let them fall. 'Enough' she mentally commanded as the tears were blinked away.  
  
"I'll be fine now, thanks ever so much Mrs Weasley- you are always so kind to me" Trying to smile in a reassuring manner, she felt she might be able to make this situation work to her advantage for the moment. "Could I please ask a favour? Would you mind telling the others that I need a little rest and would like that compartment for myself? I really feel like I need a little private time to sort out my feelings."  
  
"Certainly dear, I'll make sure they leave you be." The kindly witch rose and leant over to give Hermione a gentle peck on the cheek. "Take care dear. things will get better, I am sure of it. Should you need anything, just owl myself of Arthur. you are like family to us." The door shut close gently behind her, and Hermione could hear Mrs Weasley admonishing the others to 'leave Hermione be, she forgot to eat her breakfast and is feeling faint'.  
  
Smirking to herself, Hermione decided to remember that excuse; it was a good one, after all, and pulling out her wand muttered a locking charm on the door as her left hand reached down into her coat pocket to find the razor blade eagerly waiting there.  
  
"I'll never be perfect enough"  
  
Blade to unmarked skin.  
  
"I just can't deal with this,"  
  
Slice.  
  
Draw back.  
  
"Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I be accepted?"  
  
Blade back to the wrist, edge just barely denting the skin.  
  
"I just can't deal with this,"  
  
Slice.  
  
Breathe.  
  
Draw Back.  
  
"No one wants me around, not even my own parents. Malfoy is right. I deserve this."  
  
A red mark on her forearm, skin as flawed as her personality. Flaws which need to be removed at all costs.  
  
  
  
"I just can't deal with this anymore."  
  
Slice  
  
An old scar re-opened, deeper this time. Far deeper.  
  
Shallow breath  
  
"I just can't deal with this!"  
  
Blade pressed into raw flesh.  
  
  
  
Slice  
  
Release.  
  
One last cut, with the blade angled slightly differently produced the perfect result. The skin and muscle puckered slightly before succumbing to the force of the steel, and the blood which was brighter this time, spurted out slightly before gushing down and joining the smaller rivulets flowing down to her fingertips. Satisfied at the sight in front of her, the last held breath was exhaled as black spots filled her vision. Relief at long last.  
  
Reaching for the towel well-hidden in her book bag Hermione Granger collapsed for the second time that morning. This time, there was no one there to catch her. 


	4. Slipt

Well, I am very excited about the positive response to this story. thanks everyone!! Not sure where it's going, I have some hazy ideas.. I'm as clear as Trelawney on where this is going to lead, but that's OK. Remember, bother is not mine, nor is beloved SEV (bless his outraged soul) nor any of the HP gang. Enjoy!  
  
Slipped  
  
You don't need to bother;  
  
I don't need to be  
  
I'll keep slipping farther  
  
But once I hold on,  
  
I won't let go 'til it bleeds  
  
  
  
Ginny's terrifies screams rocked the train. There was blood seeping out from under the door of the third compartment before the loo, and there was a lot of it. A pool formed in the middle of the passageway, and she dared not attempt to step over it. She was frozen in her fear, first thoughts turning to Voldemorte. was this the work of a Death Eater? The next logical thing was to start screaming, and scream she did. Ginny Weasley stood there petrified as the most horrendous shrieks filled the train, causing all compartment doors to be flung open, many of them exploding the glass panes on impact.  
  
The narrow hall was soon filled with students of all sizes ages and houses, and all of them stood there staring at the shrieking red-haired girl. Her cries also brought a flood of Gryffindors rushing from their area at the front of the train, and Ron and Harry bullied their way to the front of the crowd.  
  
"Cor blimey Ron, it looks like Ginny!"  
  
"Bloody Hell Harry, it IS Ginny!"  
  
Elbowing through the other students, Ron had his hands on the now catatonic girl's shoulders. Shaking her roughly, he tried to get her to express what was wrong. She shakingly just pointed at the floor, and whispered "That's Hermione's compartment. Mum left her there to rest just and the train was about to pull out." With that, she flung herself into Ron's arms and sobbed uncontrollably.  
  
Pointing to Seamus Finnegan, Harry lowered his voice and simply said "Find a teacher, now!" He reached across to the compartment door handle, only to find it locked. Drawing his wand, he cried out "Alohamora!" and then pulled at the handle to open it. Only it wouldn't budge.  
  
"What it bloody hell is this all about?" he cried out in exasperation. Drawing his arm back further to a dueling position, he brought his arm down with more force and let the panic enter his voice slightly.  
  
"ALOHAMORA! Dammit!"  
  
The door shook under the impact of the spell, yet there was no tell-tale click of the lock. As he pushed on the door again, Harry could tell the incantation had been useless. He drew back one more time to attempt a different and more powerful spell to shatter the door, but found a hand grabbing his wrist as the students all parted way for the formidable figure.  
  
"Professor Snape! Sir! Please, something's terribly wrong in there! We need to get in and save her. Hermione.." The black haired boy's voice broke as he found himself speechless at the repercussions of the scene. Looking down disparagingly at the boy and the ever growing mess behind him, the best Potions Master Hogwarts had ever seen took over the situation in classic style.  
  
"Everyone other than Potter and the two Weasleys go back to your respective compartments immediately. You will remain there until the train pulls into Hogwarts Platform or you will be EXTREMELY SORRY! 100 house points taken for anyone found in the train passageway for the duration of the trip. no EXCEPTIONS!" Snape glowered menacingly at the sea of children blocking the exits.  
  
"GO NOW!!!" With that, he turned to the door and muttered. "I think a little proper old-fashioned brute strength might be in order here. Stand back!" With that, Severus drew his robes sleeve down over his right fist, brought it back and smashed through the opaque glass on the door. He had to put all his weight behind the punch as the glass was charmed to be shatterproof. students were very talented at door slamming it seemed. He then reached down inside carefully avoiding the shard of glass left clinging to the edges of the sill, though stepping directly in the mess which had oozed out underneath.  
  
"Wait here." He told the stunned children and then entered the compartment without a word.  
  
Draco Malfoy had stood back surveying the scene and walked past Potter closely followed by his lackeys Crabbe and Goyle. His eyebrows were raised and he had a shocked expression on his pale peaked face.  
  
"Granger? Granger the Mudblood made all this mess? Who ever would have thought that Miss Perfect could do any wrong?"  
  
"I'm surprised it's red. I quite expected it to be a drastically different colour." Malfoy drawled, careful to avoid the crimson puddle on the floor. "Wouldn't want to sully my good dragon hide shoes now, would I?"  
  
This time, before he could stop himself, Ron had drawn back and landed a fist square into Draco's pointy little nose. Fast as lightning, before the two goons could react, Ron pulled his wand from his robe pockets and pointed it at the bloodied Slytherin.  
  
"Eat shit Malfoy!"  
  
Malfoy dropped his hands from his nose to his mouth and ran for it. He had turned a wicked shade of green, as unlike the episode in second year, Ron's wand did not malfunction.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
While the drama went on it the train hall, Severus Snape faced a greater human drama in the cramped compartment. There was, quite literally, blood everywhere. The girl was crumpled on the floor, lying where she had landed after falling off the bench. There was so much blood that Severus was shocked to reach over and find a thready pulse running down the blood- encrusted neck. She had been bleeding a long time. some of it had congealed and was sticking to her face, robes and skin. In fact, the left side of her shirt and jeans were saturated in it.  
  
"I don't DO healing charms, little girl."he growled under his breath as he picked her cautiously off the slippery floor and placed her up on the bench. "How I am supposed to save you when more of your blood is on the floor than in your body? And where are you bleeding from?" He tore a large thick strip of black velvet from his robes, and locating the source of the bleeding, bound her forearm tightly.  
  
"Foolish child, FOOLISH CHILD! There is more to it than this girl, and I for one will not allow you to die while I am here! New Prefect tries to commit suicide on the train and the only person they can find to help is me? How DO these things wind up this way?"  
  
Snape looked at the waxy complexion and the shallow breathing. Running his wand over her face, he muttered a quick cleansing spell so he could better assess her state. He was shocked to note that the girl had grown far more attractive over the summer, and again he wondered at what would have driven her to this. He didn't know any of the medical spells to heal her arms, but placed a sealing charm over both of them to prevent any further blood loss until he could get her back to the infirmary.  
  
Stepping out into the swaying train's hall, Snape briefly informed the three horrified students there that Hermione would be disapparated directly to Hogwarts infirmary, the only apparition location on the entire 100 acre property, and that they could come and see the girl there.  
  
"She's had an unfortunate accident" he spat out through clenched lips. "Good work. Your actions Potter... sending someone for a teacher. was admirable. Possibly you have saved her."  
  
With a final nod, he left the distraught Gryffindors and returned to the compartment with the reek of her blood making even his steel nerves nauseated, Severus Snape gathered the limp Gryffindor in his arms and murmured the disapparating spell, adding on to the end "Merlin be with us." 


	5. Incantation

Thanks for the various reviews - I will warn you right now, I am hyper- sensitive about my art and criticism, so be aware if you choose to critique... you may not like the result. I had chosen to up the rating on this as I feel it is too hard-core even to be pg-13. however my reviews dropped dramatically and made me cry. However, I wouldn't want my kid reading this story. A couple of questions. Each time I write a Dumbledore scene, I get this crazy craving for Hot Chocolate. Does this happen to anyone else???? And Every time a write a Severus scene, I am compelled to have a drink of hard liquor and contemplate the wrongs of the world.. Does this happen to anyone else, ever??? Am I just another Insane Slytherin??  
  
Harsh chapter.. Enjoy!!!  
  
INCANTATION  
  
Wish I'd died instead of lived  
  
A zombie hides my face  
  
Shell forgotten  
  
with its memories  
  
Diaries left  
  
with cryptic entries  
  
Wand to chest, enervate spell to restart the heart, along with a pressure charm. For love nor Galleons could Severus remember any of the breathing charms, so he settled for the next best thing.  
  
"Hermione, breathe!"  
  
His voice called out to her through the darkness.  
  
"Hermione, you MUST breathe!"  
  
More urgently this time, there was a hint of panic in it.  
  
"Stupid girl, breathe now! Dammit. an entire infirmary and no Medi-witch to be found. Salazar's curse is upon us. Now BREATHE!"  
  
With that, thin lips met young full ones and a gush of air was sent down into her lungs, only to escape out through her nose moments later, unused.  
  
"Fuck! Bloody Muggle useless 'life-saving' techniques. Try again. Breath child, come on, you can do it."  
  
With that he pinched her nose slightly harder than intended and breathed hard into her mouth. Hermione's chest expanded, and then released.  
  
"Four, three, two, one.. Breathe!"  
  
More air was forced into her lungs, and he could feel a slight pulse in her neck.  
  
"Come on girl, you can do it! Breathe on your own!"  
  
The infirmary door flew open and Madame Pomfrey came rushing in.  
  
"What is going on here? What are you doing with this girl, Severus? Oh my Merlins! Is she even alive?" The old woman pulled her wand and ran it quickly over the girl's body. Severus glared at her as he continued to force air into her lungs; however the body showed no inclination to begin its habitual pattern of exchanging oxygen-laced air with carbon dioxide on its own.  
  
"Step back Severus, I am going to place a breathing charm on her. What happened. was she attacked?"  
  
The woman swept her arm back and called out.  
  
"Aspirare!"  
  
Nothing changed. However, the girls arm had begun seeping blood again, and the flow was growing consistently stronger. The potions master stepped forward and grasped the shredded forearm tightly with both hands, attempting to seal the gaping wounds with his bare palms. Madame Pomfrey rubbed her brow, thinking hard of more powerful incantations.  
  
She repeated the previous breathing charms and the enervating spell on the heart, as well as a variety of blood-pressure increasing spells and stabilizing charms. Nothing seemed to change. and occasion faint flutter of a pulse, but nothing to go by.  
  
"Let me try again, slightly different this time...Halare!"  
  
The girl's skin changed to a deeper shade of pale grey, her lips growing blue. Snape reached down for the pulse, and could find none. The arm had nearly stopped its flow at this point, and he continued to hold onto it tightly, willing the young witch to live. The Medi-witch reached over to draw the sheet over the girls face, but the glare on the Slytherin House Head stopped her in her tracks.  
  
She began sputtering an explanation."the healing charms and spells won't work, and I don't believe we can save her through any methods available to us. Maybe in a Muggle hospital or St Mungos, but not here at Hogwarts. Believe me that she is gone, Severus. Stop torturing yourself. It is over. She should be left to die in peace. We've done what we can."  
  
Severus Snape was incensed. How dare she give up so quickly.? "Bullshit. I will do it myself if I must. And for Merlin's sake, get MINERVA MCGONAGALL UP HERE NOW!!!! Bloody useless Medi-witch. Good for nothing but dealing with acne and pre-pubescent histrionics."  
  
Pulling his wand out from his sleeve, he swept it across the room to the storage, where he commanded "Accio bandages!" They flew across the room, Madame Pomfrey ducking to avoid be decapitated, and wound themselves tightly around the girls arm from elbow to wrist tying themselves neatly above the injury site. The flustered woman took her opportunity and bolted out the door, screaming for McGonagall to come and help. Not one to take a moment to admire the fine creation of self-applying bandages, Severus focused all his energy on the seemingly dead girl. He remembered the spells that Dumbledore had taught him before allowing him to spy on Voldemorte and his Death Eaters.  
  
There were spells of various degrees which could save people who were dying, near death, or had appeared dead less than ten minutes. He also knew there was a vial in his dungeons, his personal store, one that he had told this child's class about on the first day of their first year.. The potion that could put a stopper in death. He would need to have her breathing resumed and heart beating on its own first, and then he could retrieve the revival potion from its secret location. If he could get her back to the point of near-death, it would be simple to administer the potion and revive the brightest student he had seen since he himself was a student at Hogwarts.  
  
Placing his right hand over Hermione's heart, and left on her forehead, he closed his eyes and began chanting the incantation. The murmuring rose and fell, the sound of his deep timbre filling the room in a rich song of life reclaimed. This was much more than a mere charm or spell. this was energy transference, and it took a mighty toll on the giver. For a man who had survived many, many bouts of Cruciatus and lived to tell the tale, this would only be the equivalent to a severe bout of influenza.. To a lesser man, it would spell a coma or worse.  
  
Over three minutes long, the arduous incantation outlined how the caster willingly offered their life energy, force and power to the receiver, and was willing to continue sharing these forces until the other person was able to recover and heal enough to be completely self-sufficient, or, if they were unable to fully recuperate, the giver would maintain the energy exchange until his natural demise. He sincerely hoped that Hermione would recover, as he could only imagine the implications of being linked to her for life. The chant was similar to those of the Gregorian Monks, complex and difficult, with inflections and tonality determining the success of the spell. One incorrect pause, a shift in intonation, a break in the voice, or mispronunciation would result in the death and both the student and the teacher.  
  
The power of the words rose to a peak, and Severus felt stronger and more empowered than he had his entire life. It lifted to a crescendo, and then drained as quickly and powerfully as it had come. Waves of exhaustion began to sweep over Severus as he completed the last lines of the old Latin spell, and he felt a momentary surge of triumph that there had been success. This was not the first time it had been necessary to use it, but it had been a very, very long time. The last person still owed their life to him, although they had recovered quickly and Severus had been released for the bond within days, telling the receiver to forget that it had ever happened. But neither of them had ever forgotten.  
  
He had, however thankfully, forgotten the side-effects on the caster, and was now reeling in the sudden drop in oxygen, blood pressure and higher consciousness he was experiencing. Smiling briefly at the concept that possibly this was the problem with Neville Longbottom, the though was dragged from him by a surge of pain through his body. The various life energies drained from him to fill the void in the body he had layer hands on, and as it did so organs began functioning at half capacity, and his focus began to drift. He could hear his first Arithmancy teacher explaining the universal laws of energy and how they affected magic, how if you create a void it must be filled, usually by whatever was nearest.. The voice left him as another course of pain ripped through his body, and he found his hands lifting from over the girl's heart and head, instead clenching his abdomen as a heavy sweat broke on his brow and the chills began as his body went into shock.  
  
This was how Minerva McGonagall found them, Severus hunched over the bed, a hand on the girls good arm checking for a pulse, over hand over his stomach, nails tearing the fine linen of his robes, semi-conscious and gasping for air.  
  
"Severus!! What is going on here?" She trilled in her heavy Scottish accent flying across the room to place a nearby chair under him as he swooned. Tears flowed freely down the older witch's face as she surveyed the damage done to Hermione at the girls own hand, and came stronger as she noted the girl was breathing. Cradling the student in her arms, the normally reserved Professor kissed her on the forehead and thanked every God she could name and even those she couldn't for sparing her life. So certain had Poppy been that Miss Granger had died that the owls had already been sent to the ministry and the girls parents. Minerva had run all the way from the Great hall to the Infirmary, terrified that she might not get to see her favourite student and bid her farewell before the body was removed. And yet, here she was, alive..Severus appearing near death. There could only be one explanation..  
  
Severus had performed the Life-giving Incantation, one of the most dangerous and rarest forms of magic. He risked losing his life, all his magical abilities, and his mental stability on doing this. It was the most selfless thing a wizard could do. In comparison, loosing your life or taking Avada Kedavra on someone's behalf was a far kinder fate than winding up suspended in a half-dead state in St Mungo's for 100 years. Letting Hermione's head rest back down on the pillow and knowing that Dumbledore and Pomfrey would be arriving soon, she rose in a daze, grabbing the blankets off the next bed. Not knowing what else to do, Minerva wrapped the blankets around the shaking Potions Master and wondered for the first time how she had never seen him as lovable. Sitting on the arm of the chair she wrapped her arms around him and waited for help to come. 


	6. Deceit

Deceit  
  
You don't need to bother;  
  
I don't need to be  
  
I'll keep slipping farther  
  
But once I hold on:  
  
I'll never live down my deceit  
  
Harry Potter came racing up to the infirmary at exactly the same time Albus Dumbledore arrived. Red-faced and gasping for breath, slightly out of shape and thinner than when he had left in June, the boy leant against the doorway and dared to ask the question.  
  
"Do you know?? Is she. Hermione." for the first time since the train, his voice broke and his eyes filled with tears. "Headmaster?"  
  
"I have just arrived here myself Harry. I understand that you are concerned, and as soon as I have spoken to Madame Pomfrey and Professors McGonagall and Snape I will inform you on your friend's condition. Just wait out here, and have a lemon drop."  
  
Shocked that the headmaster didn't automatically let him into the infirmary, Harry reached over and took the proffered candy. Popping it into his mouth and sitting down on the bench outside the infirmary, he felt a surge of calm. Dumbledore must coat those innocent looking lemons with a calming draught of some sort.  
  
Inside the infirmary, both Poppy Pomfrey and Minerva McGonagall were fussing over the now ailing Severus Snape like he was a wounded puppy. He was gruffly trying to push them away as he would prefer to be left alone within his misery, to deal with it as he would. It took Albus Dumbledore entering the room to shift their attentions off him and back to Hermione.  
  
"It would be much more effective, and much faster if you would work on the girl, I might remind you. You can only help me with the symptoms; you cannot cure these ills for they are not mine but hers. Revive her, get some strengthening draught into her, and perform the volumizing spell on her. Once that it done I should gain enough energy to go and create to potion that she needs." Severus rasped out, still managing to sound condescending , humiliating the two witches for their foolishness not to recognize this sooner. Albus nodded his agreement, and the three went over to Hermione's bed, where the girl lay ashen and motionless. Madame Pomfrey briefly described the nature and severity of Hermione's injuries to the two professors, who grew more disturbed by the moment.  
  
"What could have driven her to this point? She was being made a prefect, top marks in the school, nice friends.. What could have caused her to do this Minerva? She's one of your students and in your house, have you noted any problems or concerns?"  
  
"Well, no Poppy. she's always been a wonderful student. extremely conscientious about all her studies and House Points."  
  
"I think, ladies, it might be prudent to attempt a Revival spell on Miss Granger. Perhaps she will be willing to tell us herself, and by reviving her and apply more healing spells, we might relieve some of the strain from Severus. You cannot understand the impact of the spell on him. it is dramatic, and I understand that there is some work yet for him to do in this matter. If we might begin."  
  
Both women nodded, and Madame Pomfrey cast the Revival spell on the unconscious Gryffindor laying two beds down from Slytherin's Head of House. "That should bring her around, although I doubt she will have the strength even to speak. She has had quite an ordeal, to death's door and back again. Give her a moment, while I retrieve the potions."  
  
Hermione's return to conscious thought was not a pleasant one. Her arm felt on fire, her head ached as if she had been hit by one hundred bludgers, and the nausea was overwhelming. A disgusted groan escaped her lips, as she attempted to open an eye. She closed it again immediately, and then cautiously, both eyes surveyed her surroundings. A look of confusion, then realization, then anger and then a dark reproach crossed her face.  
  
'Why am I here? Who did this to me? Who saved me?" Hermione's voice was low and harsh, and trembled with rage. "Because when I find out, I'm going to fucking kill them."  
  
The smile which had graced the headmasters face at seeing his star student awaken quickly dissolved into shock and the two witches with him gasped audibly. Two beds over, a now violently headachy and nauseous Severus Snape, nearly undone by the level of foreign emotions boiling in his veins let one phrase rumble across his thoughts in return..  
  
"You're Welcome." 


	7. Farther

K gang - here's some more misery for you all.. Whats been up with FFnet?? I've had this ready for a week and my login wouldn't work.( boohoo!! I finally get my ass in gear and this happens!! Sorry for the delays, more to come.. Farther  
  
And you don't need to bother;  
  
I don't need to be  
  
I'll keep slipping farther  
  
But once I hold on,  
  
I won't let go 'til it bleeds7  
  
"What could be wrong with that girl, Albus?? I mean, of all the inappropriate, insensitive and unacceptable things, how could she say such a thing? She should be thanking Severus six ways to Sunday for what he has done for her. as it is, she only survives still because of the link he created! "  
  
Albus nodded gravely, responding slowly. "I think, Minerva, we will find Hermione has changed much over the last year, and kept it well hidden. I am certain that her awakening was a shock to say the least, and that the Hogwart's infirmary was the last place she expected to be. She is unaware of what has been done for her at this point, all she knows is that she has been saved without her permission."  
  
"Well, Albus, really! I am certain that Severus heard her little rant before she fell unconscious again! How is he supposed to feel? He's desperately ill as a result of the bond as it is, he nearly DIED because of her!"  
  
"No, Minerva, I DID NOT nearly die because of her!" A low growl came from further down the infirmary. "I just happen to feel ill. And since my blood pressure is now soaring, I would assume it is because Hermione can hear YOUR rant at some level, and physically she is reacting to it. As much as I appreciate you are concerned about me, I would prefer that you could put your Gryffindorian sense of justice at heel and just SHUT UP!" The Potions Masters normally acerbic tone had risen to new heights, and Professor McGonagall was so shocked that she did indeed close her mouth, and turning on her heel briskly left the infirmary.  
  
"Was that not, perhaps, a bit harsh Severus?" The Headmasters eyes were twinkling quite merrily - it was good to see his head Slytherin returning to his form, and he had been QUITE right about the Gryffindors..  
  
"I think not. The light-headedness I get every time the girl's blood pressure spikes is unbearable, even for me. And no matter how many times it is explained, Minerva will never understand the psychology of what Hermione has gone through. You learn much being head of Slytherin, Albus. I am sure we both shudder at the concept of my house being run by the likes of her or Flitwick."  
  
"True enough. Are you feeling slightly better?"  
  
"Yes, I want to go down to the dungeons and brew the Vitalis potion - it will prevent her from killing herself until the issues can be worked out."  
"That's why, then. why you performed the incantation. to give yourself time to brew the potion, I presume?"  
  
"Indeed. And if we can keep her calm and safe until that is done, then this situation should work out alright. However, each time she is upset, or more likely, attempts to harm herself, it could seriously damage the process. The potion takes a full week, and if she has an opportunity to harm herself, I will be directly affected ruining the entire process. And if she manages to actually kill herself during that time." The dour mans voice trailed off, and the remainder of the sentence did not need to be said out loud.  
  
Albus nodded gravely. It would indeed be a double tragedy should Hermione feel compelled to end it all before the link was severed. Having taught Severus this particular incantation, he knew all full ramifications of the girls actions. "We will do all we can to keep her safe. I think a 24 hour watch will be in order."  
  
Severus rose in his bed to protest, and Albus raised a hand to calm him " No, Severus, I will NOT be asking Minerva to be part of it. I am old, but I am no fool?"  
  
Laying his spinning head back down on the pillow, Snape flinched inwardly at the implications and heaved a sigh of relief.  
  
"Thank you. The girl needs a cheering charm placed over her - it will probably be ineffective, but worth the effort. And since I am affected by everything she feels, Poppy will need to run checks of her body and health every ½ hour all day and night. This potion cannot be allowed to fail."  
  
"Shall I leave you to rest then, my boy?" The headmaster had noted the grayish pallor coming over Severus' normally sallow face, and the forced shallow breathing.  
  
"Yes, Albus. I need to sleep, and the girl needs some anti-nauseants. Good night."  
  
"Good night, Severus." The old man left to inform the medi-witch of the situation, and looked back at his prodigal son laying on the bed "May Circe be with you." 


	8. Don't Need to Be

Thanks for the reviews. This chapter is based on an actual event in my life - VERY painful, VERY triggering for me and maybe you, so be careful.. I do love you all, you know (  
  
**************************************************************************** *************** 8  
  
chapter 8  
  
I Don't Need to Be  
  
And you don't need to bother;  
  
I don't need to be  
  
I'll keep slipping farther  
  
But once I hold on,  
  
I won't let go 'til it bleeds  
  
"After everything he's done for her, this is how she thanked him ?? Anger, rage, bitterness and a cavalier attitude towards death? Someone better make it very clear to this girl to show some gratitude."  
  
"Minerva.."  
  
"No, I mean it Albus, whatever kind of a deluded concept she ahs about herself, no matter what the problems are."  
  
"MINERVA"  
  
"I just don't understand.. isn't she aware of the ramifications of what Severus has done??"  
  
"MINERVA MCGONAGALL SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!" A roar eminatated from Severus Snape's bed. His blood pressure had just spike dramatically, and the tension in his chest was building by the moment. The child that he was now mortally bonded to was about to have a heart attack, courtesy of the self- righteous head of Gryffindor house.  
  
Looking over towards the bed and noting the change in the Potion Master's pallor, Minerva muttered a hasty apology and made to leave. As she walked out she heard him say. "And one might consider it pertinent to attempt to find some background information that led up to the events of the past 48 hours. perhaps check her belongings, look for any letters and personal effects which may guide us to a greater understanding of why such a powerful, apt and brilliant young student would feel that there is nothing left for her."  
  
**************************************************************************** ******************  
  
The infirmary door flew open, slamming back on itself with a loud crack. Severus was pulled from his dream-like state into painful consciousness immediately.  
  
"What in Merlins name is the problem now?" he sighed, raked his hands over his eyes in a feeble attempt to alleviate the pain behind his eyes.  
  
""Severus, I found this in her school bag. A letter from her father, and a pack of Muggle razors... The poor child, I had no right to judge her actions... Oh, my God Severus, what have I done?"  
  
Minerva McGonagall's hands were shaking like a pack of spooked unicorns, and her eyes were overly bright with tears unbidden.  
  
"Severus, can you see well enough to read this? We are going to have to try and help her somehow.. She must be crushed, she always spoke so proudly of her parents."  
  
"Give it here Minerva, and leave me be. I will fathom a plan in due time. Not that it isn't wonderful to be painfully linked to the most annoying Gryffindor since Godric!" Pressing his eyelids firmly for a moment, willing the intense humming ot leave his ears, he took a long slow breath in and unfolded the white muggle stationary, beginning to read.  
  
Hermione:  
  
I am sorry that you are my daughter..  
Am extremely disappointed to say the least, not that you don't want to give up your magical "education" (hah!) and repair the relationship in our family, but that I feel you are not the person I thought you were all these years. Don't know what else can be said on the matter. Your mother has never gotten over your abandoning the family to learn magic tricks, and neither have I.  
  
You are an insufferable little whiner with no respect for anyone. I have lived through most everything you have lived through and much more you don't know about. I do not harbor bad feelings for any of the people involved nor any other people I know of. I hate no one and begrudge no one. No one except for you, you my demon spawn.  
Where these dark feelings and anger you vent on me come from I do not know nor do I want to know.  
I feel like I have failed you as a father and a person and I apologize for that. I don't know what else to say. You are an embarrassment to the name of Granger.  
No response to this note is required, as I hope that I never have to see you or speak to you again...  
Embarrassed to say it,  
  
Your father Eugene Granger  
  
Severus stared blankly at the page for a moment, watching the words and letters swim in front of his eyes. He couldn't even begin to form a logical reaction to this. Rage, pain, sorrow and a deep sense of hurt were welling up within him, and in that moment he saw through the façade that Hermione Granger had created for herself over the last 4 years.  
  
"Oh, Gentle Merlin. She's going to try again. And I can't blame her. Help me." 


	9. FAll

**I Can't Bother**

Chapter 9

Fall 

Convincing his over-extended body to remove itself from the relative, if not sterile and impersonal, comfort of the infirmary bed was a task within itself. It was imperative that he preformed this task on his own; to request the help of Madame Pomfrey, or worse, Albus Dumbledore, would spell doom to his plan. He needed an escape from this blasted place, and the sooner the better. He hoped that increasing the distance between him and the esteemed Ms Granger would lessen the effects of the spell. In the deep recesses of his mind, Severus knew that this was futile. A binding spell was a binding spell after all, whether you were 15 feet, 15 miles or 15 continents away. None-the-less, it was an excellent hope, and he clung to it fervently.

The Vitalis Potion would require a great strength of dedication and will, not to mention the basic energy involved in the brewing process. If he were in full form it would be a daunting task. Instead, he was supporting the system of a seriously ill, angst-ridden and distressed teenaged girl. Fate never grew tired of practical jokes. Breathing in deeply, Severus forced his expression to remain neutral as he braced all the muscles in his core, and rose inelegantly from the bed. The actor stepped upon the stage, the curtains opening for the first act.

He had replaced his ridiculous powder-blue hospital issue night garb with more respectable layers of midnight linen and silk, resuming the appearance of the esteemed and feared Potions Master of Hogwarts. Drawing himself to his full and slightly imposing height of 6'1", he had almost convinced himself that the task was attainable. He had just convinced himself only to have the momentum of emotional dedication blown to smithereens as the matron of the castle flew at him in a concerned fury. As soon as she began speaking, he felt the familiar heady sensation of Hermione's blood pressure soaring. Like the fumes from a botched potion, it both heightened his emotional sense of being while creating the physical sensation of having the gravitational pull of the planet doubled. It nauseated him, and placed a slightly ethereal look to his surroundings as stars and bright spots floated in his vision. Placing an elegant hand over his eyes, he spoke slowly and clearly, his self-control suddenly unreliable. It was an effort to force his voice to remain level and authoritative. His words were few and well chosen.

"You are upsetting the girl."

"Severus, I cannot allow you to leave in this state, it is clearly too dangerous. You need to rest and regain your strength. I cannot have you collapsing in the hallways or on a staircase." Clearly she had neither heard nor understood him. The shrill tone continued on.

The familiar headiness, followed by an unfamiliar and breathtakingly agonizing bolt of pain running from temple to the back of his skull immobilized the sharp reply laying across his well-honed tongue. The pain was so sudden and unexpected that he was forced to seat himself abruptly at the foot of the bed he had previously occupied, lest he should drop to the floor. Pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingernails, certain that he would be rewarded not only by an ugly bruise on either size of his already over-sized nose, but most likely a few drops of blood, he bullied the pain to a dull throb and spoke again more urgently.

"You are _upsetting THE GIRL_. You must be aware that she is our priority, and the key the state of my health at this point in time. It is in all of our best interests that you _lower your voice _and speak in a civilized manner. Histrionics get us no-where. I guarantee that you do NOT want her physical stress levels to go any higher. She is fragile at best."

Voice dropping low, once again resuming his classroom demeanour, Severus was effective in silencing the fretting Medi-Witch. The effect was lost somewhat as he inadvertently blanched as another bout of pain coursing through his skull. The already thin mouth drew into a tight line; the heavily arched brow drew tighter. In a moment of painful enlightenment, he realized that he had just described Hermione Granger, Gryfindor know-it-all and Head pain-in-the-arse as fragile. The wonders of his life and the ironies of the world would never cease to amaze him. _Circe's Knickers_, this was all getting so out of control.

"Her condition is worsening. You need to attend to her immediately. Based on the side effects, I believe she is close to having either a stroke or a coronary. The entire situation is perilous at best, but you know I am her only hope." The reality of Severus' survival riding on his unlikely success remained unsaid.

Suddenly quiet, blocking the sense of panic at not being able to help her patients (as she was accustomed to), Poppy Pomfrey gripped Severus Snape's arm tightly. He gasped and she let go of his arm, remembering with some guilt the wounds traversing Ms Grangers' forearms. The link that Severus had placed between himself and the child rose to the forefront of his mind, and as the ramifications of his statement sunk in, and she spoke in a carefully metered tone.

"Go then. Keep me informed of anything. Should you need my help, don't hesitate to ask for it. I will do whatever I can, and I trust your decisions in this matter. Should the girl begin to fail, I will floo an assistant to your chambers immediately. It nothing else, you should be kept comfortable and pain free. Keep the portal in your rooms unwarded." The matron's voice had become suddenly resolved, clear and concise, the business of medicine took precedence of the humanity of emotionalism. She left him to return to Hermione's bedside.

Severus' reply was equally as impersonal, as he went into uncharted territory and began giving the medi-witch instructions on how to best deal with her charge. He had an intuitive feeling that she would be neither neither offended nor angered by this action.

"Calming charms. Lots of them. Keep trying to heal the physical wounds as best you can. I wouldn't suggest another blood volumizer at this point, as she might rupture a vessel. If she is kept stable, I will be able to work at three quarters the capacity I normally can."

Moving cautiously so as not to trigger any more bouts of pain or dizziness, Severus took one more cleansing breath and waited a moment for the ward to right itself under his feet. Opening his eyes, which were then riveted to the oak doors at the far end of the room, Severus began the slow task of leaving the infirmary. Madame Pomfrey's final words echoed unhappily in his ears. It was the words unspoken which disturbed him the most.

"It nothing else, you should be kept comfortable and pain free."

A/N:

As always, thanks so much for the time and effort you have all taken in reviewing my work. I care deeply for these characters, and as such a great deal of agonizing has gone into deciding how they should and shouldn't act, where the story should progress too, and how it all should look on paper. Big thanks to everyone for your patience in waiting and dealing with uploading issues from my end. It's not abandoned kids! Thanks again, Big Love to you all!


End file.
